ICAN Blog

From the time my husband and I learned I was pregnant with our second child, we began discussing whether I would opt for the repeat c-section or go for the VBAC. My daughter was breech during my first pregnancy, which led to the c-section.   I had been planning throughout my first pregnancy that I would have a natural, unmedicated child birth, and had done all I could to prepare for it. As my due date was approaching, and she was still breech, I was doing everything I learned about to get her to turn – chiropractic work, acupuncture, hanging upside down, and an external version – but she never budged. I was incredibly disappointed once I realized the c-section was inevitable. In the end, however, it really wasn’t all that bad. That is what made it difficult when it came to deciding what I would do for my second pregnancy.

About half way through my second pregnancy my husband and I decided I would have the c-section. It just seemed easier. We live about an hour away from the hospital, in a rural setting. My daughter is not a good sleeper, and still was sleeping with me. The idea of possibly getting her up in the middle of the night and bringing her to a friend’s house kept me up at night with worry. With the scheduled c-section, she could go to daycare, and my husband could be back in the evening to pick her up. I’m a planner, and knowing exactly when everything would happen was reassuring. The surgery was scheduled for June 8, 2012. However, in the few weeks before the surgery, I found myself hoping I would go into labor before the 8^th, and decided that I would try and have a VBAC if that happened. Then a week before the c-section, someone asked me my reasons for deciding on the surgery. I explained my reasoning as I had with several others who had questioned why. This time, however, I felt different afterwards. My reasons no longer seemed justifiable to me. I started to realize that the potential benefits of a successful VBAC far outweighed the risk of my daughter having a difficult night, and the person watching her having an even more difficult night. The idea of not being able to pick up my daughter for awhile, and likely having to keep her away from me some of the time due to her always climbing all over me, was so sad and brought me to tears.

A few days later, I let my midwife know that I had begun considering a VBAC. The surgery was scheduled for three days later, but I let her know I still needed to think about it. She and the other three midwives at this practice (who I saw on a rotating basis) were all very supportive of this. From the beginning they let me know the risks of both options, but never seemed to persuade me in either direction. It seemed, however, that they were happy with the idea of the VBAC. The midwife I was seeing this day did an examination, and said the baby’s head was as low as he could go, which was a very good sign. That night I talked with my husband, and we decided that I would cancel the surgery.

A whole new set of worries began to emerge. I had done absolutely nothing to prepare for childbirth. I had done a lot of reading two years ago during my first pregnancy, learning about the Bradley method and techniques described in Ina May Gaskin’s book. I had no idea where these books were though, and didn’t remember many of the specifics. What I did recall from my reading, and conversations I had had with friends, was that relaxation was key. A friend talked about focusing on loosening any tension, and keeping her jaw and toes relaxed. I began to feel pretty confident that if I could simply focus on relaxing, it would be enough.

Fast forward a week and a half later to June 15.  I began having contractions in the early morning, which then eased throughout the day. They kicked back in that evening, and I was surprised at how much they hurt. I had thought that contractions typically began with slight discomfort, but not necessarily intense pain. Not the case for me. They hurt right from the beginning. They were coming every ten minutes or so and a few hours later my husband became concerned and wanted to go to the hospital. I told him it was way too early, but he insisted. He is after all a registered nurse, and he worried about the potential complications. So we left the house at about 1:00 in the morning. My mom was actually visiting at this point. She had bought her plane ticket a few months before, planning to be there shortly after the c-section. This worked out wonderfully, and we were able to leave without waking up my daughter. As we were driving, the contractions slowed way down, and we decided to get a hotel room near the hospital. I spent the night having horribly painful contractions every ten to twenty minutes. I was having the feeling of intense pressure with every contraction, which I attributed to him being so low. I of course got no sleep, but my husband did, which was a good thing. I needed him rested.

The next morning we decided to go walk around and see how things progressed. We spent the next few hours walking, going to a café, and visiting with friends we ran into. It was awkward having contractions while doing all these things, but I think I managed to hide it. Each time one happened, I would put my head down and focus on relaxing. My friend told me I could go to her house to hang out, because it seemed I likely had a long way to go. I declined, saying I wanted to keep walking. The contractions were coming every five minutes or so. At 11:30 I got a text from my sister, saying she had arrived at the airport. My mom was running late to pick her up, so we decided to go get her since the airport was a few minutes away. Sitting in the car was excruciating   garage for my mother to arrive. She picked up my sister, and my husband and I checked into the hospital. At that point my contractions were coming every three to four minutes.

When I got to my room, I was hooked up to a monitor and had to recline on the bed. My contractions slowed to every ten minutes. I looked at my husband, and had a feeling of defeat. I had heard stories of women showing up at the hospital and contractions stopping. I was worried of “failure to progress,” which would inevitably be followed by a c-section. I asked the nurse if I could stand up for a bit. Once I did this, the contractions picked right back up. She wanted to check how much I was dilated. After feeling she said she thought I was about 5 cm, but wanted to bring in another nurse to double check, because she could not be sure. The other nurse came in, checked me out, and said she thought I was about 8cm! They said I was completely effaced, and the head and amniotic sac were right there, making it somewhat difficult to measure me. They brought a telemetry monitor, which allowed me to be wire-free, and move around. I had asked for this when we first checked in, which was recommended by the midwife. They only had one, and I wanted to be sure to get it. After I was set up with the monitor, the nurse told me that things would likely happen soon, and the midwife was on her way. If I felt the need to push, I needed to let them know. I soon had an intense feeling of having to go to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, the feeling of needing to push overwhelmed me. I shouted to my husband that I had to push, and he went to get the nurse. About a minute later, as I came back into the room, I again had to push. At this point, the midwife arrived. She told me to go ahead and push if I wanted to when I had the next contraction. Over the next thirty minutes or so I pushed with each contraction. I was having a very difficult time finding a position I liked. I couldn’t squat down at all because the pressure was way too intense and painful. Bending over and holding onto the bar on the bed wasn’t working. Panic was beginning to set in a bit. I began to think to myself, and I think I said it aloud, that I could not do this. What was I thinking?! I should have prepared for this. I should have gotten an epidural! This is too much pain, and I still have to push him out! I am usually a pretty quiet person, but that was not happening here. Yelling and groaning was the only way I could find any sort of relief from the pain. Finally someone suggested I get on the bed on my side.  This position was much more manageable. My husband held one leg back for me, and a nurse held the other. The midwife broke my water at this point, and I heard her quietly say “meconium.” One of the nurses got on the phone for the NICU nurses and a physician to come to the room. The midwife told me I was crowning and I needed to push harder. She or one of the nurses told me that there had been meconium in the fluid, and depending on how he was and whether he cried when he came out, he may need to be taken the NICU. Concerned, yet needing to focus on getting him out, I gave a big and oh-so-incredibly-painful push and the head was out, another push for the shoulders, and then an amazing feeling of release as the rest of him came out. The midwife put him on my chest where he rested for a few moments. The nurse apologized as she took him from me, saying they needed to evaluate him. He let out a sweet adorable cry. They expressed minor concerns about his rapid breathing, but all was good. My baby boy was born at 3:28 pm on June 16, 2012 (two and a half hours after we checked in.) He weighed nine pounds, three ounces, and was twenty-one and a half inches long!

The difference in recovery, as compared to my c-section, was night and day. I was able to get up and walk around soon after birth. There was, and still is, definitely pain going on, but it has been manageable with just ibuprofen. I didn’t have nurses coming into the room every couple hours throughout the night to check on me and give me medication. And I was able to leave after 24 hours as opposed to three days. Best part though was being able to pick up my daughter the next day. That was what had inspired the change of plans, and one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Looking back on the experience, there are a few things that I feel made the VBAC successful. The first was walking. I noticed that when I lied down and sat down the contractions slowed. If I had gotten an epidural, I would of course had to be lying down, and I believe things would have gone very differently. Having the telemetry monitor, which allowed me to walk around was also key. I again feel that things would have been different had I been confined to the bed to be monitored. Waiting as long as possible to check in at the hospital was also crucial. Again, I was only there for two and a half hours before my son was born. Finally, having the support of my husband made it all possible. Without him, I don’t think I could have done it.

The Birth Stories of Reagan Renae and Liam David

My daughter Reagan was born on February 4^th 2009. I was 23 years old, and not very educated at ALL on natural birth. All I knew is that I wanted to give birth without drugs, but knew that pain meds could be an option. I had been contracting irregularly for a few weeks, and even at my appointment on my due date (Feb 1^st) I was contracting, but they were “too inconsistent” to be considered early labor. I was also not dilated and not effaced at all. Not a fun appointment!

About 10pm on the 3^rd, just as I was rolling over to go to sleep, I felt something “pop.” I immediately just knew what it was, and as I jumped off the bed my water just gushed out. I yelled at my husband to get up and grab me a bunch of towels and the bathroom trash can. I sat on the trash can so water wouldn’t continue pooling on to the carpet! Once we got over the initial shock of what had just happened, we headed to the car. It was then that I started feeling a tad bit of pressure and a little pain with some contractions. I didn’t time them, because we had been advised by our doctor to

immediately go to the hospital should my water break. So, that’s what we did.

I was admitted about 11pm, and 0 cm dilated. Or maybe I was 1. I can’t remember. Either way, it was hardly anything. The rest is a little foggy to me, partly because it was in the middle of the night and I was already exhausted, and partly because I asked for something to take the edge off and was given Demerol. At one point, I was offered pitocin to help speed up labor – I had gone several hours with no progress. Once the pit kicked in, I asked for an epidural (I do remember thinking, “wow, these kinda hurt! And they’re only gonna get harder!!”). After I got my epidural I fell asleep – HARD. I don’t remember nurses coming to check on me, but my husband remembers them coming in often and turning up the dosage on the pitocin.

Fast forward to Wednesday the 4^th, sometime late afternoon. I had finally made it to pushing stage. Hurray!! The nurses had me roll to my side to push, but after several hours of trying, my little girl’s heart rate just kept plummeting. I do remember being able to feel the very tip of her head, but something was stuck and not allowing her to fully descend. My OB, who is not fond of cesareans, called for an emergency c/s, and at 5:13pm my sunshine was born! She was so bruised when she came out, I’m sure it was from the constant pushing but her being stuck somewhere so she couldn’t completely descend. Her little head was all coney too, I imagine from just the very tip trying to come out. My recovery was terrible. I was so full of drugs and pain killers that I vaguely remember my entire labor & delivery experience. I immediately knew that should I ever decide to have another child, I would DEFINITELY be going about it a different way. I never wanted to go through that kind of trauma again.

In April of 2011 we found out we were expecting again! This one was a tad bit of a surprise – we weren’t trying and we were practicing NFP. I had already been researching natural birth and parenting and VBAC and all that other good stuff, so I was already pretty informed. I did toss around the idea of a home birth, but I was really just too nervous, already having had a c/s. I wanted to be close to medical care should anything go wrong, so I decided on nurse midwives who deliver in a hospital here in San Antonio. I felt it gave me the best of both worlds. My due date was set at January 5^th, 2012, and later on in the pregnancy we found out we were expecting a little boy – an absolute direct answer to prayer! His name would be Liam David. J

I began having early labor contractions on December 29^th, a Thursday. I did have an appointment that morning, but the contractions hadn’t quite kicked in yet. (I was 1cm and I think 50% effaced). They would come and go, sometimes they would last a couple hours and then go away by the time I woke up the next morning. I knew we’d be having a baby within the next week for sure. On the 31^st, we went out to my in-laws for New Years Eve. That night the contractions were stronger and lasted about 2 hours. I called my midwife and she said it sounded like early labor for sure, and that we’d have a baby if not tonight, by the next night she was sure! That was Saturday night. The contractions continued throughout the night, but when I woke up Sunday morning, the contractions were gone!! I was soooo bummed, and so tired from the contractions that I pretty much napped the rest of the day. Sunday late afternoon we headed home to get my older two stepdaughters ready to go back to their mother’s house. As we were driving home I really felt like the baby might come that night, so I had my mother in law pick up our 3 year old, just in case. When my husband left to go drop off the older two, I cleaned my house from top to bottom (I did NOT want to sit in a hospital for 24-48 hours thinking about how messy my house was!). The contractions had picked back up again, about the same as they were the night before. Around 9:45pm I called my midwife because they had gotten pretty strong. At that point they were stopping me in my tracks. The midwife listened to me talk to her and said I was probably still good to stay home a little longer and to call her when they became unbearable. I think I may have called her about an hour later and she said to go ahead and come in. As we headed to the hospital, we definitely weren’t in a huge hurry, we stopped by a gas station for some red bull (for hubby!) and snacks (for both of us) and I quickly threw on some mascara (hey…I remember how awful I looked in those post-birth photos from my daughter!). We got there a little after midnight I think and were admitted promptly.

Lauren, my midwife, came in to see me. She was my favorite midwife, so I was so glad she was on-call. She checked me, and I was only 3cm (all those contractions and ONLY 2 more cm?!). She gave me the option of sleeping for a few hours there at the hospital, or going home and coming back later. I decided to sleep for a few hours, and she would check me in about 4 hours (it was almost 2am by this point).

At approximately 6:30 I was checked, and was a 4. Lauren suggested breaking my water since it was bulging but had not yet broke. She said my labor would probably progress pretty quickly and easily if we did that. After a little discussion with David, we decided to go ahead with it.

And OH the pain of those contractions!! I was still very determined not to have meds, and David backed me up the entire time. He kept reminding me that I could do it, that I WANTED to do it, and that if I did give up (I had looked at him at one point and said I didn’t think that I could go through with it) and ask for pain meds, he knew I would feel guilty about it later. He was such an awesome support. I couldn’t have asked for anything better. The best part of the natural labor was that I wasn’t confined to my bed. This hospital DID require that I be on continuous fetal monitoring (which I didn’t mind TOO much because I LOVE falling asleep to my babies’ heartbeats!) but I could unplug it and walk to the bathroom if I wanted (I took LOTS of long bathroom breaks…shhh!) I remember trying to sit on the exercise ball they had provided me, but it hurt too much, so pretty much all I could do was kneel by my bed or lean over on my bed.

I remember at one point the contractions just kept coming – it just felt like one giant contraction. I was lying in bed and each time the contraction came I would just push my arms against the bed rails and breathe through it. (DON’T ever do that – my arms were sore for 3 days after that!!) I think I was in transition then, and believe it or not, my body just kind of shut down and I was able to sleep a little. Not a deep sleep, because I was aware of all the contractions I was having, and subtly aware of David placing some music by my head and a cool rag on my forehead, but I just sort of zoned out and closed my eyes. It was soooo nice and relaxing. I think that was my favorite part of labor. But then of course came the contractions where I thought little Liam was going to jump right out of me! It happened several times in a row, so the new on-call midwife (Amy, my OTHER favorite) came to check me. I was about 9 and a half, but I was determined to start pushing, so she sort of helped stretch me open a little until I was right at 10 and we started pushing. I think I pushed two or three times, and Liam David was born at 9:43 am – 3 hours after breaking my water, and 100% drug free!

I got to immediately hold my sweet boy – I LOVED it!! He was wide awake and knew exactly who me and his daddy were. It was so amazing being able to feel every single bit of delivery. Yes it hurt, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I did end up with two tears, and the stitching hurt so bad I asked if I could just deliver another baby instead! My recovery went very smoothly (a thousand times better than abdominal surgery!!), and at almost 6 months my little boy is still nursing like a champ.

I am extremely thankful for all my friends and family who supported my decision to VBAC and who offered advice and facts and encouragement. And most of all, my husband – with as worried as he gets, he let me go ahead with what I felt was right and was behind me every step of the way. I could NOT have done this without the huge team of support backing me up. It is something I will NEVER forget. J

For those who don’t know where it all began, I’ll start with my first pregnancy. August 2008  I got pregnant with my DD and worked with the Midwife Center to attempt a natural delivery. The entire pregnancy was full of complications, which I won’t go into,  but it came down to me going 41 weeks when they eventually diagnosed me as having preclampsia and offered a c-section or induced labor. No labor signs had come up to that point so I elected for the routine section given my daughter didn’t seem ready to come out anyway. Recovery was very hard, but I got by.

Three months post partum I discovered that I was pregnant again and, needless to say, shocked, but learned about vbacs and found a practice that supported my desire to attempt one.  This pregnancy went fine,  except for the fact that it was full of stress having to move, take care of my DD, and mentally and physically prepare to have another child within a year. I tried everything to go into labor naturally using the advice of a wonderful doula I was working with, but wound up going 42 weeks and a day without any signs of labor. After getting an ultrasound, they found that my amniotic fluids were dropping and urged that I get my son out asap. With much remorse, I consented to have a repeat section given I really had no choice; obviously, I wanted my son to come out alive. While they were performing the operation, they discovered that the lining of my uterus was so thin they could see my son  through it (aka dehiscence)  and said it was good that I didn’t labor since I would have ruptured. The recovery was very rough and throughout the following year had numerous health issues, which I attribute to having two surgeries so close together.

Fast forward to August 2011. I got pregnant again. Returned to my former obgyn practice only to be told that they were not very supportive of me attempting a vba2c. I went looking at other practices only to be told repeatedly that they would not allow me to vba2c since it was too dangerous and I could rupture. Desperate, I contacted the Doulas of Pittsburgh in January seeking advice about alternative options for bringing this baby into the world. Was home birth something I could consider? Maybe. So I asked about working with a lay midwife who could give me tips for having a natural delivery. I got the name of a woman and we spoke at length about my past pregnancies to which she said she thought she could help me. The Doulas also gave me the name of a doctor at Magee who was very pro vbac and recommended I speak with him to seek his council.

I made an appointment with Dr. K and after having looked at my post op records, said that he felt I could attempt a vba2c but only because I was double sutured (they sewed my uterine wall twice to make it extra secure). He said I had a 7 out of 10 chance of having a natural delivery, but that the damage that could result if I did rupture would be bad. I decided it was worth the risk, and upon his suggestion, worked with the Midwives at Magee for my prenatal care, while simultaneously using the lay midwife for the bulk of my prenatal needs. The lay midwife came to my house and spent many hours talking to me about things that were issues from my past as well as problems in the present. She said I had a lot to work through mentally if I was going to have a natural delivery as that, along with hormonal imbalances, was preventing labor. I also went to seek medical help from a chiropractorwho worked on correcting my imbalances, which helped me tremendously.

After months of emotional healing, reading an awesome book and getting alternative health treatments,  I really started to believe it could be possible to vba2c, that is, until I had a follow up with Dr. K at my 39 week checkup. He told me that the midwives were divided about my being able to labor and were not all supportive of me going forward with it due to my dehiscence. They didn’t know what would happen under my circumstances since so few women have ever attempted a vba2c knowing they also having a window in their uterine wall. I was their guinea pig, so to speak, and they were going to watch me very closely as this was a birth that they would be talking about a lot in the future, whichever way it goes.  I couldn’t believe he was telling me this after working with them for months. I felt like they pulled the rug right out from under me. I was so sick of people telling me I was high risk!  Bottom line, he wanted me to know that if something should go wrong, that they weren’t to blame.  It was such a blow to my confidence that I felt like I was all alone and fell back into worry. I called my lay midwife and explained all this, only to get an amazing pep talk that filled me once again with the peace of mind knowing that whatever happens will be ok, but that there is more chance of success than failure, esp if I believe it.

A few more weeks came and went until it was my due date May 20th. However, there were no signs of labor and again, I started to worry. Was all this preparation for vbac in vain? Would my body fail me again? Would people tell me I told you so? Would I survive a natural delivery? The thoughts that went through my head were hard. It was the toughest time in my pregnancy. Days went by and still nothing but the usual stretching, until on May 27th I got my first contraction! It was the most wonderful feeling in the world and I couldn’t believe my body was actually doing what it was supposed to. Something I was doing was working

My contractions were steady at 40 seconds long every 8 minutes. Sunday night the contractions stopped only to start again the next morning at about the same rate. That night they tapered again but still stayed with me. That morning, the 29th, I had an appointment with the Midwives at Magee for a BPP ultrasound and followup. The ultrasound looked great so baby was in good shape. The midwife, M, saw me and said that I was 3 centimeters dilated and asked if I wanted her to sweep my membranes to get things moving. She did and shortly after started getting stronger contractions, though still at about the same rate. My husband and I walked around the hospital, ate a good sized lunch, and then felt like it was time to admit myself to triage since the pain was strong enough for me to not want to leave. My lay midwife was called in (under the title of my doula) and she, my husband and I waited in the labor room for things to progress. My body was feeling the pain, but it was nothing overwhelming. And then about 3 hours of the same pattern of contractions, the nurse midwife offered to break my sack of water, which I agree to. Immediately, my body went into full transition labor and stayed there for about an hour. It was so painful that I felt like dying, but my lay midwife kept telling me to not give into the fear, to ride the wave and to stay on top of the pain. It could not conquer me, ESP after all I had done to get to this point. It was really a battle between my mind and my body and I had to not let my mind be controlled by that pain, but had to just let the two work together.
Once I felt the urge to push things really went quickly and within 2 minutes I went from 7 to 10 centimeters and felt my baby coming. Five minutes after that, her head had descended, but she was in distress so they rushed a team of doctors in to prepare to take me for a section and started giving me oxygen, however the midwife told me to push hard to get her out since she was so close to coming out. I pushed with everything I had in me and soon enough, my baby was born! Her apgar was very low so they had to resuscitate her and  i started hemorrhaging  from a severe vaginal and 4 centimeter long  cervical tear. They had to rush me to the OR to start stitching me up, but thankfully it was nothing that would have any permanent damage. They had never seen a tear that bad before and couldn’t figure out why it happened, but in the end i was still happy because I had her naturally.  Not the ideal labor, but who ever gets that anyway, right?
So that’s my story and I  pray it gives some hope to those of you who are struggling to believe a vbac is possible for you. So many people doubted this could happen and yet, with the right physical and emotional support, along with keeping a positive outlook and praying for God`s help, I got what I wanted. It’s so cool to think that I have blazed the trail for other mothers who want to vba2c as well as provide new hope for those who have had dehiscence. All things are possible if you believe!
I wish all of you the best in your journey towards VBACing.

I can’t talk about my third birth without talking about the first two.  It has been one long continuous journey for me to try to birth vaginally. It has been over a decade since my first, and over that time I have watched many women nationwide start to take back control of how they birth… from passive (lay on their back and wait to be told what’s next) to deciding for themselves as active participants, to complete unassisted control over their own bodies. I have watched it all eagerly and enthusiastically. Over the last decade I have completely changed the way I view birth. As time goes on we women have not only liberated ourselves from stirrups and no husbands present as in the previous decades, but many other unnecessary interventions as well. It is truly the unnecessary ones that need more attention. . . but there is also room for improvement in the necessary! As the cesarean rate was climbing, there was a backlash of empowered birthing women taking birth back, or at the very least making it more family centered. Homebirths are also on the rise, and while that was not an option I felt was good for me considering my birth history, supporting other women in their birth choices continues to excite me. It is because of what I experienced that makes me want to help push this movement forward.

My mother had four vaginal births, one of them completely natural, and I went to the hospital in labor in 2001 expecting the same…  it had never occurred to me that it might not happen. I had never thought it would be a struggle. Just like breastfeeding came with great ease for both of us, I expected birth to be the same as my mother’s births. I just trusted that somehow the baby would come out! I was in a bit of pain during the onset of labor, but was not afraid of anything in particular. My mom had also had pain relief without negative outcomes so I assumed I could do that too. So I asked for an epidural when things got hard. I thought that is just what you do and never questioned it. I was still very young and a bit trusting that it was safe. After 12 hours of labor on my back much of which I slept through, 3 hours of purple timed pushing also on my back, and 30 minutes of vacuum suction, I was hemorrhaging and needed an emergency C-section. I was 21 years old and healthy… you could almost see my sons little head, but he needed to be pushed back up and cut out. The OB tried very very hard and said he was just “stuck.” I was completely shocked, disoriented, and confused. I was terrified. Recovery was traumatizing as the epidural wore off and I started to feel the muscular pain of three hours of purple pushing on top of the incision pain from the C-section. I was hallucinating from narcotics, and my perfect 8 pound 12 ounce baby boy had a giant bruise on his head from the vacuum suction. Thanks to my mother and despite the nurses, breastfeeding went smoothly, even with a very drowsy jaundiced baby. I refused circumcision. As out of it as I was, thankfully I was a Mama tiger about that. . . nobody was going cut him with no pain relief!! My (surprisingly for being so young) doctor said he did not like doing them, and it was very traumatizing for infants not to mention unnecessary. He also informed me that the foreskin has a specific function, and taking it away might affect him later in life. What an informed doctor!! He had really done his research.  Also thankfully I had very mild PPD, and I recovered well. I took very well to motherhood. . . I was not very nervous or scared about newborn care as I had five younger brothers and sisters whom I watched come into the world and helped care for. Being a mother came very natural to me and I absolutely loved it!!!

Breastfeeding Riley <3

Seven years later in 2007 And pregnant with my daughter, I felt for some reason the desire to return to the place my son was born and have a do over. I perhaps felt like I had wanted to conquer my last birthing experience by going to the same place and showing them I CAN actually do this. But in hindsight this was a mistake. I wound up with the same doctor on the same floor of the same hospital… and for my VBAC attempt I was surprised with… the same outcome!!  12 hours of labor, 3 hours of purple pushing, and an emergency C-section. I did not prepare as well as I SHOULD have except to read a Lamaze book of breathing that did absolutely nothing for me. I didn’t really seek out the natural birth community or the support I would need. I just assumed I could face it on my own. I learned later we DO need support and the right setting. I did spend a little time on a birthing ball during the labor but my OB came in and scared me. . . he was talking about my chances of dying from VBAC right in between contractions!! This doctor was all about fear. I was happy on my birthing ball until that moment he came in. It was like he brought a dark scary cloud in the room. It made me want to get in the bed, and I did. I stayed on my back. . . letting them check me and break my water. They made me feel like I was crazy for not wanting drugs. I had excruciating back pain, later figuring out she was posterior and not descending. I made it up to transition drug free… but without changing position, or the right support, I begged for an epidural at 8 cm.  I pushed on my back for 3 hours to no avail. The recovery was once again a hell I had to live through as I pushed so hard without feeling it I couldn’t stand up straight for weeks. I had a beautiful 9 pound 5 ounce and very jaundiced baby girl, who also breastfed very well. . . but my hospital experience was torturous as I battled just about every nurse to leave us alone with the poking and prodding and comments. “You shouldn’t cluster feed you’ll never get her to sleep through the night” and “Cosleeping is dangerous!” and “If you don’t get the Hep B vaccine you are putting her life in danger.” The pressure to bathe the baby was intense for some reason.  I had NO desire to bathe my perfect newborn or use toxic formaldehyde shampoo and I felt like I had to constantly justify wanting to protect her head smelling more like me than the hospital. I didn’t even know at the time that my instincts were correct. . . and that there is a scientific reason to wait to bathe your newborn! Thankfully they eventually backed off about the bath.

She was given sugar water for her hearing test, which made us quite furious as we were not asked in advance. I had already done a bit of research on the “virgin gut” and how newborns need nothing in their digestive systems but your milk especially after birth. The nurse actually said “Oh she did great I gave her lots of sugar water, that stuff is like crack to newborns!” and she smiled at me waiting for a smile back. But I did not smile back. I felt like I was at war and I just wanted to just run down the hall and through the double doors with my baby like in the movies. . . not that I could even stand up let alone walk. Dramatic? Yes but it felt like a prison. My opinion of hospitals in general was that they must have risen up from the deepest depths of hell just to torture new moms and newborns!!! When the jaundice finally cleared and they “let us out” it felt like a jailbreak. It was the biggest relief to be rid of the hospital gown jumpsuit, the IV fluids, the blood draws, the inhumane squeezing heel pricks, the leg circulation squeezers, the morphine itching withdrawals, the post-operation Pitocin drip, the pushing on my belly, the bad food, the pressuring pediatricians, and staples in my abdomen. I was free!!!

Not even jaundice and asshole nurses that won’t let me use a billi blanket are gonna stop me from breastfeeding on demand

Pregnant with my third in 2011 I was pretty much faced with two options. Go completely passive and schedule a third C-section. Or get extremely active and go for a VBA2C.

I decided I could not handle just scheduling a surgical birth. I just could not handle that. Not when there was so much unknown. I wasn’t truly convinced my pelvis was a problem. I decided not to use an OB at all but seek out a midwife and a whole different approach. The first midwife I saw early in my pregnancy was so so sweet, but I sobbed in her office as she told me that it was not safe to labor and told me my uterus could rupture. She said I was not a good candidate for a VBA2C based on my history. She said if I still wanted to try she could refer me to somewhere else but she could not do VBACs at the local rural hospital as there was no anesthesiologist on call.  She was very supportive of me having a choice though, and said she would help me find other sources if I wanted. Before I stopped seeing her to seek out another midwife, she gave me a pelvic exam. . . and said she has seen smaller pelvises birth larger babies and found nothing obviously wrong with it. This left me hopeful . . . perhaps I was not broken, I just needed to find someone willing to give me a chance to labor and push again. It was hard to find in a rural mountain region. None of the closest hospitals allow VBACS, let alone VBA2Cs and so my options were limited.

My search continued down the mountain and I found another midwife. . . she was also very sweet and nice. However yet again I sobbed and sobbed in her office like a baby as she also said I am not a good candidate for a VBAC given my history. She said that she and her practice with the OB would “let” me go into labor naturally before cutting me open though!! How gracious of them!!  I don’t mean to sound snarky but what is with the “letting”? This is my body! I asked about letting the cord pulse, and they said they would for 2 minutes. Not until it stopped pulsing. They also said if I showed up at the hospital fully dilated and ready to push they would “let” me push. Again, I really love the word “let” when it comes to my body. Makes me feel so powerful! So my best option so far was to maybe. . . labor in the hospital parking lot so I could have a shot at a natural birth?? Why did I feel like I had no birthing rights??  I wasn’t comfortable doing a homebirth after having two stuck babies, but will no hospital let me at least try? I felt defeated and optionless. . . so I decided to stick with this midwife for the time being. I guess at least I had a small chance if my labor went fast enough. . . in a parking lot. I pictured myself leaning on my car the smell of motor oil wafting up my nose with each contraction. Just what I have always dreamed for birth.

One of the things the midwife told me is that birth is one day out of life. . . only one day. But pregnancy and breastfeeding are much longer than one day. She reminded me that I had healthy pregnancies, extremely healthy babies, and I successfully breastfed for years. . . but my births were horrible and traumatic. She said she herself had an amazing birth, but was not able to breastfeed and that it was really hard. She said she would gladly trade her amazing birth to be able to breastfeed well. So basically what she was saying was that if I had to pick ONE thing to be not so great, it should be the birth because it was one day. While this certainly made me thankful for everything else besides birth go amazingly well with my babies. . . and it certainly made sense logically. . . I don’t think she fully understood just how traumatic my births were, and they lasted far longer than “just one day”. . . they will last my whole life. They left an imprint on my soul. I felt permanently broken. If it was 150 years ago I would have died twice over and my babies would have died too. Or maybe it was the interventions that led to my stuck babies? The ONLY way to find out for sure was to try for an intervention-free birth!!

Next came what I can only describe as divine intervention. . . I didn’t see it that way at first, but it was a huge blessing. I drove down the mountain for my appointment and one of the receptionists at the office told me my midwife was moving away!! I just stared at her with a “You have to be kidding me” face mixed with an  “I am very pregnant right now and am fighting back tears and have a bit of “Jack Nichelson in Anger Management” face. The ONLY midwife that I can find that will let me labor in a parking lot is moving away!!!  Then as if that wasn’t enough, at my next appointment I met with the male OB she had worked with, and when I mentioned a possible VBAC again he told me how many women DIE in childbirth, and that I could rupture and I need to just schedule a C-section. I reminded him that they had told me if I show up at the hospital fully dilated they would let me push. To which he replied  “Hmmmm yea we really can’t actually do that.”  The whole way back up the mountain I could barely see as I drove. . . I cried so hard until all of me just gave up. Then somewhere inside me I heard a still quiet voice while I was driving. . . not really a voice as I wasn’t going COMPLETELY crazy, but more of a “sense”.  A sense it was all happening for a reason. It was a sun breaking through the clouds moment . . . no literally. . . while I was driving the sun broke through the clouds!!! I just stared at it and let out a big sigh!!! It calmed me down. I gripped the steering wheel and thought to myself “This is my body and I am in control of it!!”

My hunt for yet another midwife began. I was taking a bellydancing class and my instructor told me of a local midwife who could at least lead me in the right direction of where I could birth in a hospital. So I called her and she was SUCH a relief to talk to. I wanted to cry. She was the first person I talked to who really believed I could do this. . . who at least believed it was safe for me to TRY. She believed, and it made me believe too.  She mentioned Asheville as a possible place to birth but also another place. Both would be almost 2 hour drives. . . but in mine and her opinion very worth it. I chose the one going East. . . on the way to my Mother’s house. I called them and they told me I could labor at the birthing center, and push at the nearby hospital. I was over the moon!! I was so happy I could not stop smiling all day as if I had just fallen in love!! My husband said “Look how happy you are!” and I kept smiling and smiling. I loved the midwives and my appointments. . . none of them ever said anything negative or scary and they have several VBACs per month there, so they did not bat an eyelash at me. Of COURSE I can try to give birth myself and why wouldn’t I? Of course I can try one more time!!  I finally had a team that would help me. . . but I was in control of my body now so I had to do everything I could on my end to make it happen.

I did several things to prepare. . . I spent most of second and third trimester falling asleep to Hypnobabies CDs which were very powerful over my mind and body. I had no idea self-hypnosis could be so empowering and I plan to use it in some form my whole life!! It works really well for stress and other things besides birth. I also read many childbirth books including Ina May’s books and other books that explained things in such a way that gave me more than I ever knew about my own body and how it works. I read hundreds and hundreds of birth stories and watched dozens of videos, becoming quite a bit of a birth junkie. I watched homebirths, and good hospital births, and unassisted births, and births at the Farm in Tennessee. I took a local natural childbirth class the local midwife was teaching and I loved it. I put together a labor bead necklace with beads sent from near and far. I ate really well, eating mostly gluten free whole unprocessed food the entire pregnancy, and took plenty of cod liver oil. I bellydanced until I felt too uncomfortable to dance anymore, and I saw a chiropractor to give my body the best chance to birth. I ate, slept and breathed BIRTH for months as if I was preparing for The Birth Olympics!! I couldn’t have given more of myself to birth.

I also met up with the most incredible doula and mother. . . we met a few times during my pregnancy and I just  fell head over heels for her and her kids. She was SO supportive and encouraging and amazing. She really helped my confidence and quell my fears even waaay before my labor!!!

Bellydancing helped me relax during pregnancy and stay in shape.

The pregnancy did have a few bumps in the road however. At one point the baby was breech but we got her to turn. . . then she was transverse (which is extremely uncomfortable by the way) but we got her to turn again. . . then she did a full spin and thankfully she engaged head down by week 40. . . which was a week my body decided would be a really fun time. . . to get sinusitis!!! I was miserably sick.  It was the worst possible timing. I was trying so hard not to be discouraged. I woke one night barely able to breathe in a panic. I had a waterfall in my sinuses and my chest hurt so much. I HAD to get better before labor began. I could not let a head cold ruin my chances, make me exhausted, and just rain on everything I had already done!! My husband was worried about driving 2 hours away especially in winter, so we decided since I was 3cm dilated and 90% effaced and overdue, that we should just bite the bullet and go down near the birthing center and get a hotel. And so we did. . . even though leaving home was not my idea of a cozy way to spend my last days pregnant. If it were up to me I would stay in my bed and birth there!! If I could have gone back in time I would have planned a water birth or homebirth with my first. But this was what it was and I felt I had to get near a hospital, especially being so sick.

So we checked into the hotel. . . I brought all my supplements and tissues and parked myself in bed to rest and get better. We had two children and our giant dog with us in the room. . . and I guess you could call that “cozy” . . . or “claustrophobic”. . . I’ll let you decide!! I’m not sure whether it was the sickness or just not feeling comfortable because I wasn’t at home. . . but my body “knew” not to go into labor. It is exactly what I had read about so often. If a woman (much like animals when they are birthing) is not comfortable with her surroundings, she can’t really open and birth. A “watched pot” never boils as they say. . . and there was a lot of “Have you had that baby yet?”  People are well meaning, but the days crawled by. . . a week overdue came and went. Then I was almost two weeks overdue and STILL in the hotel. We were all going a little batty. I was contracting strongly, I was practicing my hypnosis, and trying to be patient as I knew when I was feeling better and felt comfortable. . . I would go into labor.

Sure enough, as my cold faded and my energy returned, my contractions started picking up!! I had a week of prodromal labor under my belt too and thought surely it was doing something. On Thursday evening February 9th the kids and dog were sound asleep. My Mother in Law had flown up that day to watch them if need be, so I didn’t have that worry. I always feel the most comfortable when everyone is asleep. . . I was just about to go to sleep myself when I felt something “POP” during a strong contraction. It wasn’t my water breaking but it scared me a lot as it felt like the baby’s shoulder popped or something! It was inside the womb, and to this day I still don’t know what that was. . . but it alarmed me enough to get out of bed. Contractions started picking up to 10 or less minutes apart and strong and I told my husband to call my doula and midwife. . . it was time!!!

We were a bit confused on what to do, as the midwife was not answering the phone. . . we called my doula and decided to wait a bit. Then we heard back from the doula again who called the Birthing Center and she let us know the midwives were already there!! Another baby was being born so everyone was there. Perfect, as we could just drive over. Contractions in the car were painful. . . but I didn’t have to have many, as it was 5 minutes away. I walked in the door and saw my midwife. . . and heard the sound of a crying newborn baby!!! I thought to myself I could not wait to hear that sound myself. I also found myself wishing so badly I could stay there and have a water birth. But I was at least happy I could labor there. We went in a room and she checked me and amazingly I was at 6 centimeters!!! What a great way to start labor!! It was so encouraging. . . with my other labors it took SO SO long to dilate to ten probably because I was never this comfortable before. I only had a little bit to go! I remember laughing and joking between intense contractions. I felt great. I was SO happy.

I remember getting all set up in “The Blue Room” which was very peaceful. . . an all blue room with a big cozy bed. I got on a birthing ball, faced the bed and laid on a bunch of pillows with my hypnosis on my phone. It was SO EASY. I was so comfortable so I just did not feel much pain at all. I was contracting SO strongly and intense but it just felt like pressure. . . like hugs. I never imagined labor could be so pain free. . . my husband and doula and the midwives at the center were just hanging out in the Blue Room lounging as if we were just casually waiting for a baby. It was not intense and sterile like a hospital it was cozy. I felt like I was at home and we were all just chilling out telling jokes. We played with a contraction timer app on my husband’s iPhone. . . I even forgot I was having contractions in between them as we all talked about random things. Was I supposed to be in pain? Was this supposed to be difficult? The hypnosis went on and on in one ear telling me everything was great, and I got to look at all these smiling faces acting like birth was casual, and NORMAL. Which it certainly is. There was nobody scurrying around no machines beeping, no bright lights. I was so happy and content. I had amazing people around me. They believed in me. They had great energy.

I changed from the birthing ball to the big cozy bed for awhile just to mix things up. . . I was there for awhile, and then my midwife decided to check me. I was at 10 centimeters!!! NO WAY I thought. No possible way. I was not in that much pain!!! Did I really just hit transition? Somebody pinch me because as I recall during my last birth that part was excruciating. I could not even talk barely then. But here I was at 10 centimeters and feeling great

In fact, it was time to go over to the hospital down the road and I was completely fine getting up to walk to the car!!! I simply held on to people when a contraction came and then kept walking. I was so so excited. I kept looking around me at everyone in disbelief. This was really going to happen!! I was going to have a natural birth!!!

I walked to my husband’s truck. There was no way I wanted to sit down I wanted to be upright since I was fully dilated. So he put the passenger seat reclining a bit and I faced the back of it on my knees all the way to the hospital. No seatbelt. . . oh yes. . . living on the EDGE! Haha. I remember looking over at him driving me. He looked nervous and excited. I could tell he just wanted to get to the hospital. . . especially when we pulled up to and I said to him smiling “I am feeling PUSHY now!!!” I was so excited. Did I mention I was excited? I was over the moon. I walked through the hospital doors. . . not screaming like you see women do in the movies but calm and focused. . . my midwife held me as I stood having contractions. She was SO amazing. I remember thinking just how badass this woman was when the receptionist said I needed to get in a wheelchair to be taken upstairs. My midwife said “She doesn’t need a wheelchair.” The receptionist said “Yes she needs to get in a wheelchair.” My midwife responded “I am her midwife and she does not need a wheelchair.”

THAT is support. That is the support every woman needs. My legs, after all were not broken. I was in labor. . . it was not an emergency! I then proceeded. . . right in the main part of the hospital by the receptionist’s desk and right in front of all these people in the waiting room. . . to spread my legs apart and PUSH while standing up

I also proceeded to SQUAT right by the receptionist’s desk and push as hard as I could making a very loud loud “UUUUNNNNNNNGGGGHH!!!” sound. And then I smiled. Did I mention I was excited? I just kept pushing with every contraction. Right there by the desk as she was quickly trying to get us registered. Oh did I mention we never registered at the hospital ahead of time? Oops. Must have slipped our minds. They were wanting us to fill out all this paperwork since we were not in their system. . . and yet I was loudly pushing and squatting next to her desk, so the receptionist just decided it might be best for me to go ahead upstairs now and fill things out later. Gee. Ya think?? Hehe.

I went on walking upstairs. . . pushing . . . and smiling and talking in between. NO wheelchair. Not much pain. Just walking at 10 centimeters down the hallway stopping every once in awhile to open my legs and push really hard over a hard floor!! I was lucky enough to be between two amazing women. . . one was an OB and one was a midwife. . . who let me lean on them and gave me massage and support during contractions. They were not panicking. They were not worried. They were not some distant OB coming in to check on me when he had time. They were smiling and laughing and calm and I was a VBA2C Mama standing and pushing in a hallway with no monitors walking to my birthing room. I felt in charge. They helped me feel in charge of my own body rather than a passive participant. Did I mention I was excited?

Once in the room we knew it was hospital policy to have me on a monitor. . . and get an IV hookup in case I needed one. I really felt so powerful though, that this time I didn’t let these things affect the mood I brought over from the Birthing Center.  It was late at night so the hospital itself was calm and seemingly empty. I was still in charge. The baby was doing fine, and I kept pushing. I was probably pretty loud but not from pain just sheer exertion!! Someone did come in with paperwork for me to sign (ugh, really? Could this not wait?) but I understood and tried to sign in between contractions. This was the only mental interference I noticed during pushing. I pushed in every position I wanted for the next 2-3 hours. On the birthing ball, squatting next to the bed, facing the back of the bed. It was amazing with no epidural and really not that painful!! Mostly just. . . exhausting! Like being at the gym. My hypnosis was going and also a music mix I made. I had my labor necklace in front of me and it reminded me how many people supported my birth choice and believed in me. It helped me push myself harder. I pushed so hard my husband said my face didn’t even look the same. After the birth, he said “You could not pay me $100,000 to do what you did.” He said he did not look at me the same anymore. . . that he did not know I had that in me. I pushed THAT hard, and for that long. Even after hours I was going strong. The OB was such an amazing woman and much like a football coach!! She was yelling “YEAH!!!” and “THAT WAS GREAT!!!” every time I pushed!! She made me feel like I was at a fun game, playing a fun sport and that I was doing a great job!! She seemed so tough and sensitive at the same time. . . at one point my labor beads fell on the floor and the necklace broke. It felt like a bad omen. . . until my incredible OB started picking it up and putting it back together for me!! How many OBs would do that? Perhaps it was a sign. It felt like one. Like something was going to go wrong but this was the woman who was going to put it back together for me. . . the woman who would put me back together if I fell apart.

I was in a zone. . . and was rather oblivious to what was going on around me. My doula came near me, blocking my view of the door to the room. Bless her heart. She didn’t want me to see my husband and midwife leave to go in the hallway for a moment. She didn’t want me to notice so I could stay focused and calm. That was support. Real support. My midwife said to my husband that she didn’t think this was going to happen. The baby’s head was moulding but not descending. She said that the baby was fine though and not in any distress. . . so I could push as long as I wanted. For hours more if we wanted!! But my husband. . . knowing me well. . . knew that if it wasn’t going to happen anyway, it would be an easier recovery to not exhaust myself and my muscles anymore. So he told them to just go ahead and tell me. . . we both really trusted our care providers this time. I think having a partner that prepared right along with me was so crucial. He knew exactly what to tell them because he knew exactly what I wanted. He knew me well enough to know not to let me go on and suffer just to prove something to myself. At this point it was simply how to tell Annie. He felt really crushed for me.

I was still in a zone pushing. I wound up on my side on the bed being quite tired of hours of position changes. Side lying to me was at least not on my back, and I knew it opened my pelvis more. They were still cheering me on but I felt a change in mood in the room. I pushed even HARDER and made the loudest sound ever and with one big push broke my water!!! It exploded everywhere and everyone was applauding me like I just won the Superbowl!!! It almost seemed like it created renewed hope that it might happen. My husband kept telling me how amazing I was . . . I had never broken my OWN water before, someone else had always done it. It felt like such an incredible accomplishment, especially since I was told my babies have very thick and strong amniotic sacs. I just felt so incredibly strong and powerful. . . not passive like a patient, but like a strong animal trying desperately to birth her child. The urge to push was so strong and my body was trying with all its power to push this baby down. It was overwhelming and something I will never forget. . . something amazing that drugs mask but that I would never ever want to not experience. I felt connected to birthing women of the past, intensely in touch with my body, and I felt like I was part of something so much bigger than myself.

Then. . . I will also never forget my OB’s face as looked at me right in my eyes and she said “This is not going to happen.” I blinked for a moment. . . soaking in what I had just heard and I said back “Are you serious?”

My husband came around and put his hand on me. . .

I was trying to remain strong but felt myself mentally falling like Alice in Wonderland. . . down down down into the rabbit hole. It was dark and scary and twisting and turning. The defeat was crushing. I could hear myself screaming “Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!” in my head. This can’t be happening. No. No. No. But out loud I think I said something like “Okay go ahead with the epidural then.” I knew the drill. Then as soon as I said that my threshold for pain went to the floor. With fear, so comes pain. Excruciating pain. It was actually incredible that I had a pretty much pain free labor and pushing until I was told it was time for pain relief. How is that for irony? Twisted sickening irony. The other irony was that I kept on pushing. . . all the way to the operating room. I had to. The urge to push was more powerful than the knowledge it would do nothing for me.

I just kept pushing and pushing while they prepped everyone for the OR.

So there I was. Bent over sitting on the side of the bed on wheels now screaming in pain, the worst and most horrifyingly painful contraction yet as I held on to a staff person at the hospital pushing my heart out, waiting for it to just end so they could put the big needle in my back. Then the pain was gone. . . and with it my spirit and hopes and dreams. The animal was subdued. Like I was running through the woods screaming and pushing one moment and then hit with a tranquilizer dart the next. With what always seems like an old “Heave Ho!!!” a few people grabbed each end of my lifeless from the waist down body and transferred it onto the operating table. It was back to the familiar. . . back to what birth just was for me each time. I felt the intense pressure. . . I felt my husband’s hand on my forehead. . . I felt like throwing up. . . and I did. I had trouble doing so and needed assistance. I was no longer in control.

I was passive. . . but I was in good hands. The best hands yet, actually. The silver lining appeared and it was glowing!! What was that they were doing? Oh! Were they really?? Is this? Could it be!!!???

She is on my CHEST!!!

She is!!! They just put my baby on my chest!!! Like after a vaginal birth!!! First time ever after birth on my chest!!! This is so new! This is different!! OMGOODNESS I get to hold her FIRST!! ME! I DO!!!!

I get to hold my baby right after birth and have her at my breast!! No whisking her away to get her weight? No craning my neck to try to see? She is up in my FACE looking at ME in all her messy new glory instead of a stranger!!! What a reward!!! Did they really do this for me? For HER? She gets to look at her Mama?? Did the staff really allow my midwife to do this?

And my doula is capturing this? I can barely breathe and my stomach is cut wide open and she is on my chest!!! I can’t breathe but I don’t care!!! She is so beautiful. . . and SO HUGE!!! Look at those cheeks. *sigh*

I held her for a long time. . . and then she went with her Daddy.

While I was in recovery. . . my incredible midwife had Abby do Kangaroo care on my husband’s chest instead of going to a warmer. Human warmth over a machine. . . bonding over protocol.

It is very very important to choose your hospital wisely if you are having a hospital birth. . . this being a different hospital than with my first two, it was a great choice, not only for my birthing rights but also for my AFTER birthing rights. I was, without questioning me allowed to refuse ANY newborn treatments I wanted to refuse. The staff did not hassle me about wanting an intervention free newborn. They were respectful and hands off. They were compassionate and helpful. The nurses were absolutely wonderful.

Did they really do all that??

Yes, they did.

They did all that. . . for us. For our family.  Maybe because they knew how badly we wanted it. Maybe they want to change things. Something that I wish for every C-section Mama that wants it. That we deserve. At the very least. They did that and I will never forget it. Ever. It healed my disappointed soul. I didn’t get my “VBA2C” but all said it was the most beautiful natural C-section birth they had ever seen. It was the first time the hospital had done this. My midwife and OB and doula and chiropractor and childbirth class and bellydancing class and friends and hypnosis and husband and the staff at the hospital and my own self-determination came together and did everything we could to save not only my life for a third time. . . but heal my heart.

No, I did NOT rupture. Even after pushing so hard it broke my own water. Yes, the outcome is always most important. . . but sometimes the journey leaves scars. Not just physical scars, but ones that are only healed by the love and support around you to follow your heart’s desire to as far as you can take it. My birth was a success because of that love and support. It was empowering because all the choices were my own. It was gentle because every hand that touched her was gentle.

It was peaceful because a drape was lowered for peace. It was relaxing because rules were relaxed. It was beautiful because there was trust and faith. . . from all involved. . . and instead of fear, love.

To see more pictures of Annie’s beautiful labor and delivery, click here.