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The Emotional Side of Special Scars

The Emotional Side of Special Scars

I have been trying to write something about the emotional side of Special Scars for over a year.  It’s been extremely difficult for me.  I started running out of time to get this written for this post, so Katie suggested asking the ladies of the group these questions:  “How did your SS make you feel? Immediately? A few months later? A few years later?”  Here are their answers:

Rowen BImmediately: sad, scared, helpless, confused, like a failure, my brain couldn’t make the connection between the long haul of labour (48 hours) and then the surgery where I was put under and then waking up to this tiny being who needed me – the love and awe that I was expecting towards my baby wasn’t there, it was almost like it was someone else’s baby.

A few months later: at a loss for words as to why but not being able to stop questioning and questioning and questioning, angry, very angry that these people who I thought were supposed to be there to help me ‘ruined’ me, craving knowledge on what went wrong.

A few years later: knowing what I know now I am still angry that these so called trained professionals missed major signs that should have guided them in a different course of action towards my labour and delivery, but I am proud of myself because instead of listening to the status quo that said I should have an RCS, I questioned and pushed hard to avoid a RCS and had my triumphant vbac. Now I feel like I need to spread the knowledge, but still get mad whenever I hear the crap that these doctors are spewing out as fact to unknowing women.

Leigh Ann F - Immediately frightened for myself and my baby who had been with me for 9 months and was suddenly replaced by a slow sad beeping of a heart monitor. Alone and empty and a failure. I’ll never forgot saying, “did he cry?” and listening while the doctor took a long pause and then, “well….no” Finally an hour later I see my little linebacker stretched on the scale perfect just waiting for me. I can’t describe the joy he brought me when I finally held him and he nursed immediately. I accept my diagnosis asking only if I can go into labor at least, no I am told you will rupture and die.

A few months later I was empowered with facts and statistics from my ss friends, that I shot at any ob, friend or coworker, who would listen. Though they all called me selfish, and unaware and informed me of the trouble that would follow should I pursue a vbac. I look fine on the outside but inside I am still that chopped up apple. I cannot stop questioning why I couldn’t birth. I take my anger out on running and finish my second marathon.

Now I feel tired of defending myself for wanting to do what’s right for me and my future baby. I’m constantly second guessing my choices and praying I’ll make the right one. I feel hopeful that one of these vbac stories will be mine one day. I’m stills scared that it never will happen for me.

Cari SAt first I was in shock confused. The OB literally leaned over the curtain saying ‘Oh, sorry about this but I tore your uterus. You’ll never be able to labor again or have a vaginal birth’. Considering I had been trying for an hbac, I was devastated. My doula leaned in and whispered, ‘don’t even think about what she is saying. She doesn’t support vbacs at all’.

The days following I was a wreck. If I’m being honest, I enjoyed the numbness from the narcotics in the hospital. Once I was home though, the healing began. The SS wasn’t as difficult emotionally as my first c-section.

When I found this group, or rather, Jessica found me!  I started researching. And reading SS stories. And I found strength. I will vba2c someday. I have no doubt.

Ruth MImmediately – terrified! But I knew that it was necessary to give our son the best chance. And we’d already lost one bub in the pregnancy. A few months later – all sorts! Anger, sadness, bitterness, frustration, disappointment. That continued into resentment, a lack of bonding (but not a lack of love!) with my SS baby…. This is just 2yrs later, and I continued with the knot in my stomach thinking of his birth until my VBAC! The Lord bringing us through our last birth safely has healed me in ways I cannot describe. But the emotional distress was there until my VBAC, no question.

Jade SImmediately: I didn’t mind it. It truly was one of the cases where a classical was necessary & I just wanted my daughter to get out alive. (she had a 3lb tumor on her spine) I remember my doctor apologizing profusely as he had done a U/S right before my cesarean to confirm DD’s position and he was upset about having to do a SS. A few months later I still had the same view on it. DD was sick for a long time & I didn’t think about having more kids right away. I became pregnant with DS after DD’s second birthday & that’s when I started questioning the ability to vbac, but didn’t dig too hard. I did hate how every single one of my care providers was quick to shoot me down even for a TOL. I just wanted to know what it felt like to have my water break. After my son was born by low transverse & after I was able to heal from his traumatizing birth (he did choose his birthday & was born with a cone head- although my water didn’t break, I did dilate quite far- his birth was ‘emergency’- doctor emergency, not true emergency) I started looking around. I spoke with a friend of mine who’s training to be a midwife & she’s the one that tipped me off of hearing about women vbac with SS’s. I checked yahoo groups for a local ican chapter, and ended up coming across what was then called “Life after inverted T”, which is now special scars, special women. My life has changed completely & I cannot wait to go into another pregnancy with the knowledge I have now. It makes me feel like I am strong enough to have another baby instead of just being offered up as a slab of meat.  To add to it- it’s my low transverse that made me want a vbac, not my ss.

Bronwyn FImmediately: it’s difficult to separate the feelings about the scar itself from the overall feelings of the day. I had a very early preemie who might not survive, and if he did, what kind of life would he have? I felt very sick too, and honestly worried for my own life. But I do remember looking over at my husband in the OR and saying “I think we’re done.” And he agreed. We were both overwhelmed and traumatized and worried for our future.

Months later: I started feeling like there was another baby for us and I should get ready. That scared me, but I looked for whatever info I could on post-SS pregnancies, and VBAC’s. Funny story. I read the book Earth Abides, a post-apocalyptic sci-fi, and started wondering what I would do if I were one of the survivors and had to repopulate the earth. Would I go ahead and get pregnant knowing I’d have to VBAC or die? And I came to the conclusion that I would. Somehow, that helped me feel more optimistic about our family’s future.

Today: I can do anything. I’ve overcome that trial, so come what may, I’ll be ready.

Ellen SImmediately-Confused–I did so much research and had asked about VBACing in my consult and I didn’t even know an inverted T scar was a possibility. I wondered what had I missed, how could the doctor be so blithe just to throw the fact that I would need C-sections from now on over her shoulder as she was leaving, and what I could have done to prevent it.

A few months after-Angry, Resigned–I felt like I had been cheated out of the incredibly powerful birth experience I had been looking forward to. I decided I could mull it over forever or move on and accept what happened and try to utilize my energy towards a positive end. I started a chapter of ICAN in my area thinking that if I could help someone else VBAC, even if I never could, that would be something good to come out of my experience.

Almost a year after-Happy-My daughter’s birthday is on February 9th and so it will have been a year. I now know it is possible to VBAC with an inverted T, although I don’t know if I will attempt to. I am happy to have been able to provide VBAC information and support to a couple women who have e-mailed my ICAN chapter. And I have decided that I will not be defined my one aspect of my life, what I initially considered a failure on my part. I never went into labor and then had an inverted T, so I felt cheated that I was not going to have this incredible birth experience that I had heard so much about. I wanted to challenge myself, actively push my child into the world and take part in this rite of initiation into motherhood. But I didn’t and I may never do that, but I am a mother irregardless. And maybe I didn’t bear labor in order to bring my daughter into this world. I just bore a different kind of pain and now I bear a different kind of scar than most. And even if I knew ahead of time what I would be sacrificing in order to have her, of course I would have made that sacrifice ten times over in order to get her here safe and healthy. I did and she is and whether I VBAC in the future or not, I am proud of myself.

Laurren KImmediately after, I felt deeply sad. Sadness is really the only way to describe it for me. I was so happy about my daughter, and I felt such an overwhelming love for her… but I couldn’t even think about her birth without sobbing. A few months later my sadness turned to deep rooted anger and bitterness: why me? Why did all these women who don’t even CARE about the birthing process have perfect bodies and perfect labors? It didn’t make sense. I was even jealous of “regular” c-section moms! I couldn’t even read stories about or be happy for “normal” vbac moms without getting irrationally angry at “how few” obstacles they really had to overcome. Thinking about my daughter’s birth during this time sent me into a horrible anxiety and panic. Now, a little over a year later, I have learned to be in control of my emotions about the birth. All of the same feelings still exsist, but they do not control me or my daughter’s birthday. I am no longer jealous of other women, but encouraged by the strength of their bodies. I will never have an ideal or risk-free pregnancy or delivery, but I am starting to come to terms with that. It will never be easy, and it will never be what I used to dream about… but I can make new ideals and new dreams… and I can still be in control of the birth of my future child(ren). After my daughter’s birth, I felt hopeless, devastated, and torn down… but now I know that I CAN have an empowering birth (even if I end up with a RCS). I now know that I have options, and I won’t stop until I feel supported by my future birthing team. Reading the stories of other women with Special Scars makes me realize that I can, and will, come out on the other side of this a stronger woman and mom.

Rebekah J – Like Bronwyn, my feelings about my SS are wrapped up in my feelings of that day. I was 28 weeks pregnant the ultrasound showed the possibility of chromosomal anomalies and the fact that the blood wasn’t flowing through the umbilical cord properly. A substitute doctor was there at the specialist’s office that day and explained that to give my daughter any chance, he’d have to do a classical incision and that was the worst possible thing if it turned out to be a chromosome problem. Going into surgery was the worst nightmarish feeling I have ever had. When I had the staples taken out a week after the surgery, and three days after my daughter’s passing, he told me that “virtually every doctor will insist on a RCS due to the classical scar.” I heard that to mean that it was the doctors and not the scar that would be the issue. A month later the midwife who delivered my first son told me that yes I’d have to have c-sections from now on and that the practice that she works for will not be able to give me prenatal care due to the scar.

That was in June. I spent much of the fall researching VBACSS because it was the only thing I could DO. We are now TCC and I am confident that the fewer surgeries that I submit myself and my future children to the better.

Shannon RImmediately, nothing at all. I had been expecting it for months and while it sucked it was the least of my worries. Between my pregnancy and her surgery we were given about 3% chance she would survive so that was all I focused on was keeping her alive.

Months after I began feeling hurt, I didn’t want any more children, I still had PTSD from my c section and it felt hopeless as I didn’t think I had any options. Then a fellow mom who went through the same thing told me I did have a choice and introduced me to this group. So, years later as I near my due date, I feel hopeful, I feel positive this is just something else we will overcome. I don’t hate my scar, my daughter has scars too, it’s a sign we fought to stay together. What I do hate is how every medical professional treats me because of a scar on MY body.

Sarah G – I have not been able to write out my SS birth story yet…but I knew as was being rushed to the OR that I would be having a classical under general anesthesia since they told me it was the best way for my 25 week micro-preemie, I was scared yet felt a real peace from God at the same time – immediately afterwards because of excruciating, unbelievable pain for over 5 days I could not even let myself cry (it hurt too bad) though I felt I could cry and never stop, all I could make myself do was pump every 3 hrs. around the clock. So immediately I mostly felt sad but could not fully comprehend since all my energies went towards my 1 lb baby. Over the next year emotionally I still was very busy with the medical needs of my little girl, and though being told I could “never VBAC” I was not angry over my SS directly, just very, very sad and trying to work through minor PTSD from the shock and frightening experience of the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy and the hours leading up to and including the emergency surgery . Now nearly 3 years later, in some ways it is hard to fully realize that I had a Cesarean since we were planning a peaceful homebirth -but my scar is proof and I plan to give birth to our next baby vaginally, empowered and not tied down and cut open – just thinking about holding my baby when it is first born makes me feel happy.

SpriteImmediately: “You’ll never have a vaginal birth again.” Went over my head, even my doula saying “never again” wasn’t entirely true didn’t really sink in. Everything went to the furthest back burner in my head. All I cared about was Rowen and if he was okay or not. Constant apologetic visits to tell him how sorry I was for failing him. I didn’t keep him safe, I couldn’t produce enough milk for him, my body failed to keep him inside, etc.

A few months later: That bitch!!! How dare that stupid OB inflict the kind of incision that is literally going to send providers running, not walking, away from me. This OR report is full of shit, she did NOT explain ANY of the risks, benefits, issues related to this surgery, nor did she give any indication of what scar type she would use. Vertical incision that “extends” WTH is that???? Screw it, I’m going vabc anyway, fuck everyone else.

A few years later: That’s it for having kids, I guess, I can’t do this. ( just over a year later) fast forward two years and a half years… Clearly, I had a piece of **** OB the L&D sucked ass but you know what, I WILL find a way to birth the way that’s best for my future baby, I’m going back to ICAN. Found Special Scars, a God-send of a group of women. Armed myself with info and the more I read, the more confident I became. Every OB and medwife looked smaller and their voices became less and less, and actually became a bit pathetic to me. OBs and Medwives; all this spewing at me are fears that belong to you. It’s all of you who are terrified, you allow fear to drive the way you practice but you don’t have the right to put your fears on me. If you want to be cowards, then go ahead, I don’t need you to have a vabc. I don’t want cowardice, I want competence. To my little baby boy or girl, we’re in this together and mommy is going to fight to allow you to choose your day. I won’t rest until I find great providers to have the best birth possible for you, even if it turns out to be just your father and myself. I can’t guarantee the outcome I want for you, but I’m giving it everything I have in me. I believe in God, my body, myself, nature and in you. I prayed for you and how you will enter this world has already been written, I’m just following the desires that have been placed in my heart.

Rosie S – I arrived at hospital 10 cm 100% effaced and was laid on my back, OB broke my water while DS’s head was not engaged and the “swish” caused him to turn completely sideways and cord to come first. Immediately after being rushed into my emergency c-section with nurse riding on gurney w/ me, hand inside holding baby off cord. I came out of GA saying to myself a. I don’t think I will ever *walk* again, and b. I don’t think I can have any more children if I have to experience this again.. that is how much pain I was in. I felt like someone had taken me out into the back alley and beat me mercilessly while I was put under. :( I asked for only immediate female visitors to visit, no friends (except one), no males (except father in law) and was just overall totally wanting to isolate myself in the hospital. I think looking back now I was in shock b/c that is so opposite “me”. I was sad…heartbroken that I had to have a c-section, and sad that I didn’t get to see my sweet baby boy for 3 hours, that he didn’t get to see me. Hubby and I hadn’t talked about skin to skin etc. so he spent the first 3 hours of his life in the nursery, having a tube stuck down his throat (checking for swallowing problems due to the unexplained polyhydramnios), and all wrapped up (no skin). I had my first two sons vaginally, held them right away, nursed within the first 45 mins. etc, and was showered and dressed an hour after I had my second son. The next day I was showered, dressed, had my hair and makeup done, and sat in the visitor’s chair when people came to visit! After my c-section I was terrified to get up and walk…even to sit up and let my legs hang over the bed that first time. I honestly wished the nurse could leave the catheter in so I wouldn’t have to get up…I was in so much pain *even* w/ the full doses of pain meds I was on. I had *no idea* what my doctor was really talking about when he explained that I had “torn a little”…he said the baby must have torn me when he pulled him out. I was “okay” with that part b/c it didn’t really register at the time, it was just information to me…I wasn’t considering my next births yet. All I could think about was the pain, and taking care of our sweet son that came 3 weeks and 5 days early. I was told I lost “a good amt of blood” (1200 cc I found out recently) and really honestly felt weak physically…and broken emotionally (about my body and pain). I was {{so thankful}} that the dr. was there and seemed to have “saved both of us”. At home I was devastated. I had to poke my hubby in the night when I needed to get up to tend to my son and he would slide his arm under me and sit me up because I couldn’t lay on my side (the pulling caused extreme pain in my incision) and I couldn’t possibly sit up up or even inch myself up from being flat on my back to sleep…or even propped up a little. I had extreme night sweats (that I never experienced w/ my first two vaginal births) and to make that worse it was winter so I would then freeze when I got out of bed to change my son etc. My mom came for a week the second week and made me rest while she watched/played with/took care of all three of our boys. While I lay in bed I wept…I felt crazy for feeling so sad when I was *alive* and my baby was alive and well. I couldn’t help it and told myself that I needed to get through this and move on. Plenty of people have c-sections.. what was wrong with me?! I felt broken. :(

Rosie S – A few months later when I *still* couldn’t sit in my computer chair and stretch my arms up normally without pain in my lower abdomen/incision I was still sad…wondering why the heck my recovery was taking so long when my friend who had just had a c-section ( I was over 3 mths PP) said she felt like she’d never had one at the 2 week mark. WTHECK!? Oh my…I started to question…what really happened? What if?! What IF I was standing when my water was broken.. isn’t the head the heaviest part of the body? What if I was upright, the water was broken and his head came down b/c it is the heaviest part of the body. I started to question my trust in my OB. Wasn’t angry or anything yet because I remember thinking that being upright in the hospital to birth was *wierd*… not normal……

Katie P – Initially I felt shocked. Stunned. Like someone had punched me in the gut. (emotionally and physically!) on top of being told  couldnt ever have the vaginal birth I wanted so badly, I was told I could only have 3 kids. Just 3?? We were thinking 4 to 6 originally. That was a hard pill to swallow.

Later, I felt sad. I had missed out on something, my baby had missed out on something, I knew I could have been the ‘perfect’ birthing woman. I dilated quickly, had little pain during labor (at least till they gave me pit to augment lol), I could have just spit out babies. But not now. Now I’m marked with an inverted T. I feel butchered. Broken.

Much later, I’m just plain pissed now. I’ve had plenty of time to think about what went wrong. And SO much of it was bc my provider just didn’t listen to me. Treated me like I was stupid because I was young and a first time mom.

And when I learned I had unnecessarily endured 2 more cesareans. Man that pissed me off. And made me SO sad since they each were easily just as traumatic. If someone had just given me the chance, I know I could have vbac’d after my first cesarean. Or my second. I’m glad I got to vba3c.

Jessica G – I was 21 and naive, I had breech twins in the hospital trying to keep them in. I was told from the beginning I had to have a c section so I guess I never thought I had a choice. Baby b’s heartbeat went down to the low 40s which resulted in an emergency c section, baby b descended after A was out which caused my special scar. I was told I could never have a vaginal birth and It didnt really hit me until I was pregnant with my next which I was told again that I couldn’t have a vaginal birth. I would secretly cry when I saw a baby story or when people would tell me about their vaginal births, people didn’t understand and would say at least they are healthy. I guess I might feel different because I didn’t expect to have a vaginal birth from the beginning

Jessica T – Initially, I was sad, but accepted it because I’d been watching the surgery so I knew right away, I knew how badly stuck my daughter had become and that the doctor had to add a vertical extension to the low transverse she’d started with. I think I was already numb because I’d really wanted a VBAC but that had been taken away from me days earlier when the OB saw she was breech.

I don’t think that mindset really changed until I got pregnant with Thalea 7 yrs later and I was confronted with the idea that I COULD VBAC. Since then it’s been a blur – angry, sad, furious, guilty, etc.

Christina F – BROKEN Damaged and traumatized. I left that hospital haven been battered, drugged and damaged. I was scared and shocked. I am now angry. I feel anger for what happened to me. I feel devastated about the ripping of my uterus, all the bleeding, and the 4 hematoma’s that abscessed in my abdomen which caused adhesions. Those adhesions prevented my baby from making the cardinal movement of turning from PT. Those adhesions cause the worst back labor ever. Those adhesions caused me to push Sofia into my back for 4 hours instead of pushing her down and under the bone. After my VBAC turned CBAC I feel abnormal and broken. But most of all I feel anger, because it took 41 minutes to get to my daughter. My bowel spleen and other organs are attached to my uterus because of that botch job C-section I was forced into.

Courtney H – Initially, heartbroken, literally like my heart had been torn from my chest. Not really because of the SS, but because my baby had been torn away from me too early, and I was stuck in the hospital, away from my other baby at home. I felt like I’d suddenly lost my identity as a pregnant mom with a one year old. My immediate reaction to the SS… I didn’t really react. I wasn’t thinking about having more kids at that point, so it didn’t really matter. Later I felt screwed over, like something had been stolen from me. I resented the section, and my son for coming early (of course, I realized that it wasn’t actually his fault). When I found out I was pregnant again, I was scared, scared of rupturing, terrified that I’d deliver early again, the more I read about “scars” and pregnancy the more freaked out I became. But the more I truly educated myself, and heard from other moms who had vbac’d on an ss, the more determined I was to prove that it was possible, and that I would do it. I’d make it to the end, and I’d deliver my way, not the way I was being told to. Hence the unassisted home birth. I wasn’t going to listen to their judgment and “reasoning” while I was bringing my baby into the world. Now that I’ve done it (!), I’m proud of my special scar and my uterus, and of everything I’ve been through and accomplished, and I’m proud of all three of my births. I’m a strong, determined, educated and powerful woman and mom, and I did what was best for my baby and for me, and I feel healed and whole.

Krysta M – Immediately: (in recovery) calm, hopeful (I had a micropreemie), detached

A few months later: loss, failure, pain (emotional and physical) appreciative and needed

22 months later: (son is 22 mo and 8.5mo preg) robbed, frightened, but still was the right decision.

Rosie S – Just over two years later I am at peace. I have (recently) gone from blind/ignorant acceptance (of a RCS based on the fear of my OB team and my own) to curiosity (could I vbac?) to anger, hopelessness, anxiety/crying spells (finding out the truth that I do indeed have a ss and that it would be extremely difficult to find a supportive OB/midwife here where I live that would allow me a TOL in a hospital…that I could very possibly be forced into a RCS unless I was willing to drive 1-3 hours away to vbacss which was not likely according to my hubby and seemingly more dangerous to me!) to anger/bitterness (aimed at my old OB team for possibly causing my “emergency” in the first place and then not being willing to see me through this part of the trial! However, we’ll never know that so really I cannot even allow myself to entertain those thoughts in a big way…I could have prolapsed at home w/ no support and then endured a 30 min. trip to the hospital with that prolapsed cord. I got there completely dilated, completely effaced, and with my bag of waters intact after my quickest labor (thought I might be at 4 cm – ha!) so really that was a huge blessing in itself seeing as how I had no knowledge of how to birth unassisted etc.) to forgiveness and acceptance (they did their best with the knowledge/training they have had and they truly do want what is best for me based on that) to finally HOPE and PEACE after finding what I think was our “last chance” in this area for support of my vbacss. We are {{so}} thankful. What got us here was fervent faith in the Lord/prayer, promises from Him for us outlined in scripture, faith in His design of the human body to heal (yes, this def. includes the uterus!), faith in His design of the female body in particular to birth naturally and successfully even in cases of vbacss, faith in the mama/gut instinct that I so deeply feel to go for vbacss vs. just signing up for a RCS, and the support/encouragement/​love that I have received from the women at ICAN and here on this Special Scars forum. I move forward with a hint of nervousness…but with a definite and tangible physical, emotional, mental and spiritual peace that I am making the right decision for our baby, my body, and for our family as a whole.

Sarah G – do you know what makes me the most angry 2 and 3 years after my preterm classical? The FEAR M.D.’s put into our minds when they mention rupture… How SCARED my husband still is at the thought of me wanting to try for a VBAC with our next baby…I am angry that doctors can put so much fear into someone by telling them untruths…I am angry that vaginal birth is now seen as “potentially dangerous” and all this just because I had to have a special scar.

Patty H – Immediately & a few months later: I had no ideas there were different types of incisions the first time around (wasn’t expecting to have a c-section to begin with!). Because my water had broken/leaked for a while, I didn’t quite fully dilate (9.5cm) even with pitocin, and the baby wasn’t responding well to the few pushes (so they told me), the doc recommended to have a c-section, and being tired and scared at the time, we didn’t think much and accepted it. Everything supposedly went really well with the c-section, and the doctor actually told me and my husband immediately after the surgery that I could try again next time, so I didn’t think much about it at the time.

A few years later: After getting pregnant with our 2nd baby, the new OB (we moved, so I just went to a friend’s OB whom she said she really likes) told me that once you have a c-section, you always do c-sections due to risks of uterine ruptures (he didn’t mention about diff. types of scars at all) and told me and my husband the baby would not survive or would be brain-dead if I rupture. But since I really wanted to try VBAC (after doing some research myself), he referred me to another group that does VBACs for consultation, and that’s when I found out there are different types of incisions, and that I may have a SS. I was very angry and frustrated because no one told me after my surgery that I had a SS, and there seemed to be no apparent reason why the doctor that did the surgery would have had to do a SS to get my son out. And the fact that she told me I could try again next time didn’t make sense if she really did a SS… she should know better that I’d get rejected by most providers like that (even her own medical group rejected me this time!). I hate it that providers rejected me just because of this one single word in the op report, even though the c-section itself and the recovery went quite well, and everything in my first and current pregnancies have been as normal as can be, and I’m as healthy as can be. I feel angry because all I am asking for is a TOL for VBAC… I’m not against having to have a RCS if things don’t seem to go well during labor. I just want to have a chance to try instead of just being sent directly to the OR table! It pisses me off that even living in a big city and a supposedly liberal state, I’m having such a difficult time finding a provider that will let me try for VBAC. I hope it’ll work out with my current search, and I get to VBAC successfully at the end!

(Didn’t realize how angry and frustrated I’ve been until I started writing…)

Melissa O – I’m so glad this page exists. I don’t check I to it very often because it is still really difficult for me to face the emotions associated with my SS, but today has been such a hard day and I love that this post was made, because it’s the perfect outlet right now. Seeing other women’s stories and seeing feelings that are so similar to mine is so helpful, especially since I’ve really been feeling so alone with it all. Of my close friends I’m the only one with children, so finding an understanding ear isn’t easy.

Immediately after my second cesarean (first was low transverse at 37+5 due to pre-e and a fail induction, second was classical at 28+6 due to a broken water for 7 days, 21 hrs of labor and a severe infection resulting in my son flat lining) I felt so hopeless, in pain, heartbroken, it was so overwhelming. I’d felt the whole surgery because the drugs weren’t administered correctly or in the right amounts (idk which) so I never went fully numb. I didn’t get to see my baby, and I remember just lying in recovery, still without pain medication, just sobbing. I cried to my fiancé that I don’t want to have any more babies, that I can’t do this anymore. I felt so disconnected from everything – my child, my body, my partner, the world … nothing was real, everything was just pain. When we got to our room our families were there and everyone left me alone with my mom so I could just cry. I just leaned into her shoulder and sobbed and sobbed.

4 months later it’s still extremely difficult. I’ve gotten past not wanting more children, I know I do want at least one more and I will fight for a VBAC. Joining this page I feel has had so much to do with that. Seeing success stories from women with similar stories to mine, knowing I’m not really alone in this fight has helped so so much. Emotionally it still hurts unbelievably. I’m just getting to the point where I feel like this baby is my own, and I’m trying my hardest to concentrate on how wonderful my labor was as opposed to how awful his actual delivery was.

I don’t know how it’ll be years from now, but my goal is to accept that I can’t change the past, only work harder for a more desirable future. My goal is to bond with this baby as strongly as I’ve bonded with my toddler. My goal is to try and let go of the pain and anger and allow it to be a learning experience full of empowering lessons. That’s my goal, at least.

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