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Karen’s CBAC Story

I had a CBAC May 25, 2010 at 7am.

I have never written his birth story. I am sad, disappointed, let down, confused, bitter, angry- all of the above. I studied and changed doctors and read.  I will never hold a baby in my arms directly after birth.  I will never have that pure bliss that all women should feel. I feel like a failure.

This beautiful baby boy was a huge baby- 11 lbs and 8 oz.  He came out and didn’t cry and had trouble breathing. He was stained with meconium and it was in his lungs. was it because I waited too long to try and have him vaginally?  Was this MY fault?

I actually went into labor on my own the day of my scheduled c-section.  I had a chance to VBAC. My husband was scared and I could tell.  I had no support from anyone and the nurse wouldn’t help me with my decision.  I was tired and beat and just decided to go through with the c-section.  After I had the baby, I have heard ONE MILLION times- you must be so happy you decided to go through with the c section- because he was so huge.

!!!  No. I am not.

But what was my alternative?  If I had gone through labor would he have been worse off?  How will I ever know?  I will never know.

Recovery was easier the second time, but I also had a baby in the NICU that they wouldn’t LET me see until I was recovered. Ugh!  I had them take all my tubes and IVs out.  I took a shower and almost passed out.  I saw my baby that night. I held him for the first time 2 days later.

If my first baby- if I had just waited- none of this would have happened.

3 Comments

  1. Chloe B says:

    Hugs Karen! Your story made me cry. I am so sorry that your vbac didn’t happen for you. I wonder if writing it all down helped? It feels like you’ve held some of it back too?…. Chloe x

  2. Christina says:

    You can have your baby in your arms directly after birth even if you have a c-section in the future. I did, have skin to skin and nursing in the OR while still in surgery. It was in my birth plan, just in case, and I found a supportive hospital. Good Luck HUGS

  3. Mindy L says:

    Karen,

    You are not a failure, please don’t ever let yourself think that you are. As moms, all we can do is what is the best for ourselves and our babies at the time. Both of my children were also born by c-section, the second after an attempt at VBAC. I understand the heartache you feel, all too well. I am so so sorry that you did not have more support from those around you, you deserved to be supported, no matter your decision, during your births. I have no doubt that your children will be grateful for the sacrifices you made to get them here.

    ((Hugs))